it hit me. like a shit ton of bricks. i’m in thailand. finally. doing the one thing i’ve always known i had to do. i find myself walking slower, stopping and sitting without worrying where i’m going next, breathing easier, and staring out into the ocean aimlessly. i went through an old journal tonight- on one page i had started writing, but didn’t didn’t get any farther then, “all i can think about is diving…” so much has happened in the past couple years. i got sidetracked, got lost, got confused, go all other kinds of people stuff… i took detours, rerouted, hit the breaks, and took the scenic route. but no matter where ya go, the road leads you to wherever you are, where you’re supposed to be, even if you try to turn around and go back.
but today it really hit me. bananas! here i am! i’ve been so focused on the task at hand, and scared shitless quite frankly. but things keep falling into their natural place. i’m getting more confident, having more fun, and genuinely enjoying 12 hour days on the boat, not that i ever didn’t. listening to people’s stories, finding out how they ended up on the same boat as me, discovering where their passion stems from… it makes you glow, really. i have been wondering lately if most people ever really know what it feels like, to exhale.
sometimes i think that maybe i should be feeling lonely, or bored, or stir-crazy. but i’m not. a guy from Texas asked me today, “don’t you get homesick?” i guess i haven’t really been here too long (3 weeks now), but no… i don’t. i miss you guys, of course. and things are really different. but the only thing we can really rely on in life, the only thing that remains constant, is change. and fighting external forces has never really been my thing. xavier rudd sings,
“there will be a time when i will hold you again, with my arms spread out, my chest you’ll rest, and i’ll write you a letter. with everything i know, ‘bout the weight of the world and the way things go… so live it up my friend, step back again, for some things will be given, for some you’ll have to bend, you’ll have to bend my friend, to hold onto this, for some things will come easy, and some will be a test, you’ll have to bend…”
sometimes, you have to be flexible. if you can’t bend, you break. and if you can’t roll with what surrounds you, you’re gonna have a hell of a time fighting it. but when you give up to the universe and stop fighting, i believe you will find yourself saying, “hey… i like it here”. the Duenday homies rap, “life’s a cool ride so wave as it passes”.
today when you told me to think of you as i dove, i had to laugh. you ARE the reason i dive. what a privilege to experience the other 2/3 of the world that most people float above! divers are a very privileged group of people. thank you for showing me my passion, my light. because my light is growing brighter than it ever has. i love you, you are always with me when i dive. there isn’t a dive that something doesn’t make me think of you. today i spotted a few christmas tree worms! remember those? we’d poke them all and pretend to play the drums? i had to giggle, not many here. can’t wait to show you my world. see ya in the fall!
mom, we’re about to do some extreme snorkeling/free diving. practice holding your breath!
forever and always.