it’s been awhile, as usual, since i’ve written. i guess i find inspiration randomly and cannot post otherwise. for those of you that know me, this is most likely true to you. and besides you, it’s the most sense i can make of myself lately. although i seem to be making much more sense and being more “genuinely” Lauryn than i have been my whole life. (as of late)
when i first came to Thailand, i kept meeting backpackers, divers, travelers, tourists, and adventurers from all over the world. i shared their stories, their ambitions and their “how-to’s” and “how-not’s”… and more than ever, i learned from them. i learned how they got here, what made them stay, or what made them leave. but by far, i spent the first 4 months learning the art of “goodbye”. i cried… i really really cried. and i don’t cry. that much most of us know. and if i do, it’s shameful for me to feel vulnerable or weak.
in the last 4 months, i’ve learned to say goodbye. no longer do i ask for emails or facebooks. i just thank the people next to me for their conversation and i walk away. just like i did tonight… just like i’ve done time and time again. i appreciate sharing space with lovely people… learning and conversing.
but tonight it hit me. i’ve gotten toooooo good at “goodbye”. i’ve disconnected myself from the “hello” and the “goodbye” and from everything in between. i forget these people too easily. people that captivated me enough to keep my attention for hours, i merely forgot the next day.
as much as i’ve looked for a place i can let go of my past and create my own future, amongst people that don’t know the past… i’ve almost forgotten who that girl was. i’ve forgotten the struggles and the beautiful breaking that got me here. and what is a life without acknowledgment of the wrongdoings and the mistrusts? what is the soul without it?
i think, if we forget the past, we are bound to repeat it. if we don’t acknowledge all of the bad that came in us, if we move past it, we forget it… to the point of being a different person, but a different person without a past? therefore, the learning is gone.
i want to keep learning. i want to keep growing. i’ve been too busy for any of my own time lately. but tonight made me realize, i’m still there, and i’m still present. as long as i can say that, i’m happy.
find yourself blissed and blessed. find yourself smiling for no reason. everyone deserves a day to live for. and hopefully, you can turn day by day into a lifetime.