BLEEP

The last 4 months have been an adventure to say the least. I’ve been struggling a lot lately with trying to grow up and remain young at the same time. Trying to build a future and be a reliable employee yet always longing to get back on the road again and see something. Always seeking the next adventure. 

I’ve been told to “grow up”, “stop crying” and that i’m “young for my age and it’s not a bad thing”. All of these things obviously hurt at the time, but there’s some truth to everything, we just don’t always want to hear it. I know I didn’t and I don’t. But with all of those things I’m more and more encouraged to be on top of my game. At work they call me “the kid” for various reasons. The number one reason being that I’m the youngest. I’m a young instructor firstly, and I’m a kid at heart anyways. Now it hurts my feelings in various ways sometimes, but I know it’s a term of endearment and not meant to be hurtful so I try to take that in stride too.

I have always known I have a bit of a problem with authority. (ahem, that’s a given) I know I have a hard time holding my tongue if I feel I’ve been wronged or if something offends me. But for the first time I’m learning that I have to. I have to because it’s not my place, because I want to keep my job, and because it’s better for me and everyone else if I do. And this is true for everyone, sometimes it’s better to just nod and smile when inside all we wanna do is start yelling. Once again, taking it all in stride. 

But when you work for a company so closely, as a team, you’re going to have things that come up and don’t leave everyone happy. I don’t have many friends here, and even if I did I’m kinda too busy to spend too much time with anyone else. And that makes things even harder sometimes. Because when things go wrong I feel like I’m on my own, mostly because I am. 

Lately I’ve been getting really really homesick. I don’t want to be at home really, I just miss the people. I miss my family and my friends and I miss having real connections. But I love my job and I’m really starting to love Thailand even more. So those things will fall into place eventually, too. 

I read a quote the other day that said, “if life gives you lemons, it better give you some sugar and water too or you’re gonna have some really shitty lemonade”. I laughed at that one, because life always gives you lemons but you gotta take care of the sugar and the water yourself if you wanna make the lemonade (and good lemonade at that). 

Right now I’m trying to make sure I have enough sugar and water in my life to make it through when I get the lemons. I need enough time to myself, enough good chats with friends, enough time for yoga and exercise and books. Enough me time so that I can take care of the occasional hiccup- exhaustion, homesickness, loneliness. But it’s making me stronger. Although sometimes I get so sick of being strong when the tears come I end up crying for all the things I remained strong for previously. 

But as my brother, Max told me years ago, “chin up, soul light”. Thanks for that Max, I’ll keep trying. I got this.

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