minneSNOWta

I made it back to Minnesota! Although it was a snowstorm when I flew in, and you heard about my flight delays and probably saw my personal record for facebook posts that day, I am happy to report that I’m 24 hours into being up north in Crosslake, MN at my parents house. 

It’s been an adjustment this past week. I am so shocked and overwhelmed by my surroundings that all I can say to people is, “hi!”. It’s nice to finally get back up north and give myself some time to slow down and process being here and what I’m about to go through in the next few months. 

This morning I took a bath for the first time in almost 2 years. It felt amazing and I was so looking forward to it, as we don’t have baths in Asia. All my crystals have been placed all over my room and I managed to make it to the Enchanted Rock Garden’s annual sale when I got back into the cities and I went crystal crazyyyy! So I got lots of new gems and energy surrounding me for the next part of this journey. On Friday night I went to a friend’s birthday party and had a chakra cleansing with an amazingly talented channeler named, Nadine. She was so spot on and said lots of things I needed to hear. Because of her I will spend some time focusing on the gifts that my angels and other light beings have pushed in my directions. 

I have a week until my next appointment with my doctor. Unfortunately jet lag hit me real bad a few days into being back and I had to cancel and reschedule my appointment with the surgeon for the following week. But the positive side of that is I can now focus on getting my license renewed and applying for a new passport while I am still mobile. 

Will keep you all updated. Thank you THANK YOU for all the encouragement. I’m feeling all the energy from various corners of the world. Blessed. xxx

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cripples&airports.

well i’m currently sipping a Stella Artois (yay, GOOD beer again!) in the Chicago O’Hare airport. i’m 26 hours into my travel and should have been flying out to MPLS in 20 minutes but my flight was cancelled so i’m stuck for another 7 hours… excellent. and do you know how hard it is to get through the airport on crutches? it’s been fine until now because i’ve gotten a wheelchair everywhere, but now they’re dumping me at the gate for 7 hours and i obviously don’t sit still for long. it took a matter of 10 minutes for me to pack everything into the cart and rotate a crutch-step and a push of the cart simultaneously all the way down to the closest bar. 

flash back a few days. thanks to the help of a few great friends- between packing, moving things, helping me buy boxes and luggage and carrying stuff for me over the past week, and every little thing in between. everyone’s been awesome! my former Divemaster trainee and now friend, Martin threw me a heartfelt going away party at Kenny’s Aussie Bar in Karon where he DJ’s in the evenings. i couldn’t have asked for a better send off surrounded by great people. 

i’m feeling pretty optimistic about the surgery now. over the past couple weeks i’ve realized that i’m anxious to get home and get started so i can begin healing. the last month just felt a bit like waiting in limbo. although i couldn’t be having the surgery until now-ish anyways, and i needed that time to pack up my life and say my “sayonara’s”. it’s bittersweet for sure but it’s a new adventure and i’m feeling positive. 

when the wind hit me in Chicago a few hours ago i just thought, “fuck…”. i mean, it’s cold. like REALLY COLD. 2 degrees celcius? are ya kidding? and it’s so… colorless. just white sky, white snow, gray pavement and barren trees. BLAH. i forgot about this. 

and sitting in this bar listening to people talk around me, in English is beyond weird. it’s actually really distracting me and i can’t drown it out, because for the first time in years i can actually understand random conversations. something you take for granted i guess. i forgot how loud Americans are too. hahaha, i guess there will be a few things that’ll hit me being back initially! it feels foreign to me now, it’s uncomfortably loud and efficient and distracting. yup, those are the adjectives i’ll use for now. 

i have a meeting with my surgeon at Tria in Bloomington on the 23rd at 10:45 AM to discuss whether or not i’m strong enough for my surgery now or if i’ll require some physio first. i wouldn’t be surprised if i do require some physio, a month of barely using my knee certainly means i’ve lost muscle mass. ironically my surgeon is Bradley Nelson… i know, you had no idea my father has a hidden talent for the likes of knee surgery, did you? it came as a shock to me as well. nah nah nah i’m just kidding! he does have the same name though as my dad. not too hard to forget and he’s also done my brother’s previous knee surgery so i feel comfortable with him. 

well that’s the update for now folks. this blog is a bit thrown together and not nearly as articulate as i usually try to be but it’s a conglomerate of everything that’s been going on lately. 

i’m officially back STATESIDE. 

xxxx.

L

You are going to have moments of unbearable pain. It takes time to learn how to heal yourself. And healing sometimes still leaves scars. Healing is sometimes incomplete. Think of your scars as battle-wounds – evidence of how much wiser you are now- maps of where not to return. Cherish these scars and honor them. There will come times when they are the only reminder of where you have been, and how much you still need to grow.

full stop.

9 days ago everything i know came crashing down. put on the back burner on hold. i guess that sounds a bit dramatic but the severity of this temporary situation is starting to sink in now. i was driving my motorbike with my friend on the back when we turned the corner very slowly into the taxi stand so he could catch one back to his hotel. as we turned the corner my back tire went flat causing the bike to jump forward, and all of Eddy’s weight came down on me along with the bike at the same time. my knee completely twisted under the weight and upon trying to stand up my knee buckled and i knew. i’ve watched my brother go through 2 knee surgeries, and i just knew… that’s what he must’ve felt. 

it didn’t even really hurt when it happened. but when i tried to stand up and walk i felt a popping sound and my knee just giving way. it wasn’t stable and i couldn’t stand on it at all. i decided to go into the hospital right away. the doctor’s in Patong are idiots… they x rayed my knee and told me nothing was broken. then after wrapping it up they sent me on my way and told me to come back in 2 days. i couldn’t walk and had to beg them for crutches, they gave me one. one crutch? what do you do with one crutch? 

the next morning i went into Bangkok Phuket International Hospital to get the low down on what was really going on. the doctor was friendly and honest and told me i needed an MRI. great i thought, but i already kinda knew the results. i used my Thai insurance and it took 4 days for it to go through so I hung out at home for a week before I actually went in and got my MRI. this was 2 days ago. 

my friend Ian was nice enough to drive me to the hospital, and after our break for lunch he took me back to hear the results. as he dropped me off he said, “it’s judgement day” and i laughed but he couldn’t have been more right. the results were a fully torn ACL and a fully torn lateral meniscus along with a bone contusion or “fracture” on my knee. i was starting to be able to bear weight on it the day before but he told me because of the bone fracture i would have to stay off it or accept a cast. in this weather, i think the cast would be the most uncomfortable thing in the world so i whole heartedly promised to be a good girl and stop jumping around my house on one leg like Tiger on speed. i promised i would use my crutches. then out the door i went accepting my new fate.

with a 6 month recovery time post surgery and unable to drive my motorbike one legged, i accepted that the best place for me to go and recover would be home with my family. i was advised not to fly for a few more weeks and my visa happens to run out on the 20th. so i’m booking my flight back to Minnesota for the day. it has only started to sink in what i’m about to endure, and i have so much of my life to pack up and sort out before i leave. and i’m obviously not in the best condition to be taking care of all of this. 

my heart feels heavy and i’m beginning to feel like i’m constantly on the verge of tears. i’m going to miss my diving and Thailand. i know i’ll come back in October but that’s a ways away, and i have a lot of growing and healing to do before i make it back here. it’s only 6-8 months of my life, but it’s going to test my character, challenge me, and teach me to slow down. 

i was throwing around the idea of taking a low season off and heading back to Minnesota to live up north with my family for the summer. i haven’t lived there since I moved out just after turning 18. now i guess i have the opportunity to do just that. connect with myself and my roots again, gain a bit of strength and insight before moving on in the world, celebrate my 26th birthday living at home, like i did 8 years ago. maybe i need to go home, hug my parents and be humbled. they always bring me back to Earth.  

this has always been a travel blog really, but now it will switch to a recovery blog. i’ll keep everyone updated on my journey from beginning to end: the pre physio, surgery, recovery, first steps afterwards and all the milestones i cross in between. writing will help keep me sane and help me find strength in the words. 

if anyone is reading this, i want to thank all of you for the text messages, calls, facebook messages and emails i’ve received in the past 9 days. so many of my friends here have came by daily with food, cigarettes, water and beer or just simply to visit. i appreciate all of you so much. i didn’t realize i had so many friends that cared and i’m feeling like one BLESSED human right now. 

anyways, onward and upward. let the journey begin!