I didn’t think I’d be this girl

I didn’t always think I’d be this girl.

I had this idea of constant evolution

which we are, aren’t we?

Constantly evolving?

I thought I’d eventually evolve into

the person I was meant to be,

leaving behind all the pain.

Thinking the unfinished business

would turn itself into eventual awareness.

Not realizing that I had to do the work.

Not realizing that happiness has to be maintained.

It isn’t a state of arrival where

you coast once you’re there.

There is no finish line.

I remember walking away from my last

serious relationship 7 years ago

and feeling like I had no idea who I was.

I remember when I turned my back on him,

not because I wanted to, but because

the good didn’t outweigh the bad anymore.

I remember the vast range of emotions

he put me through and my inability to control them.

The lack of control left me feeling crazy

lost

helpless.

 

And I still remember all of those fears

like they were yesterday.

But when I walked away for the last time,

screaming

in a fit of anger

I knew it was over for us.

And despite all the types of broken I felt

I also knew that someday that pain would leave.

But when I picked up the pieces

traveling healed me.

Experience, love, and trust

healed me.

 

And it was in that moment that I realized

that I couldn’t expect

to wake up one day

and just be OK.

My happiness needed to be maintained

and I needed to put in that work myself.

 

But it still took me years to follow through on that.

It took me a lot of single years

a lot of running around

a lot of bad decisions

to realize that I wasn’t going to wake up one day

with it all figured out.

I had to take charge of those dark parts of me.

I had to own them before anyone else could be allowed

to take sanctuary in the temple I had built.

I had to make my happiness my priority and

maintain it every day.

We know how easy it is to slip back into

old habits.

But I realized that loving myself was

going to be the hardest

but most rewarding

adventure of my life.

 

I slowly woke up to the fact that

I had been making the same mistakes for years.

Drawing in the same energy.

So yes, the awareness did come.

And with it, the reality check.

That I must love myself

and I must look at every person

that comes into my life

and ask myself if the way

they make me feel

is something I can deal with

for the rest of my life.

And we all need to meet those people that

challenge us.

 

Maybe it’s not forever,

but I must acknowledge

the reasons they are here.

And be strong enough

to be humble

and vulnerable.

 

I didn’t always think I’d be this girl.

But maybe all those parts of me

contribute to a better version of me.

But I know now that I won’t always be this girl.

Because we can always start over

and we can always be better.

I am not a tree.

I am not stagnant.

I am meant to grow.

We all are.

 

 

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